Men are supposed to be seen as the head of their household; strong, smart, and most of all fearless of what the world may bring. However, there are a few things that may frighten even the manliest of men, except for probably Chuck Norris. Did you know that Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room? The bear isn’t dead, it’s just afraid to move. As well as Chuck Norris actually died 20 years ago, but Death hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet. Anyways, I digress, here is a list of the top five fears of a grown man.
1. Having your significant other mad at you…and you don’t know why.
Now I’m not talking about any person, cause men really don’t care if a random person is mad at them, but I’m talking about someone like your wife. You come home from a long day, ask your wife how her day was, and her response is “fine.” Uh-oh, red alert, something isn’t right here. Now for those who don’t understand, the one word answer “fine,” almost always means that she is NOT fine and YOU are the reason for her un-fine-ness. You see, women who care about you will tell you any and everything no matter how small. So when they give that one word answer, you know it’s something you did. The worst part about it is that you have absolutely no idea what you did wrong. If you did, it actually wouldn’t bother you that much because you can just say, “Sorry I effed up on [insert whatever],” and move on. She won’t move on, but most men will be able to weather the storm until she’s ready for make up sex. However, if you don’t know, that means something bigger, something that ALL men fear…FAILURE. It means you may have failed at something and you’re not good enough. No man worth their testicles wants to fail at anything in life. So of course we rack our brains trying to figure out where we effed up. Eventually, women tell us and 9 times out of 10 it’s nothing we have control over. Like her getting mad at you because she had a dream you cheated on her with that skank who works in her office who you’ve never met ever in life. At that point, the fear is gone, we give the obligatory “sorry” (even though we’re not because we didn’t do anything, but this will prevent a further argument), and we turn on the game and relax for the rest of the evening.
2. Hearing, “I’m pregnant.”
Now life is a beautiful thing and a baby is nothing but a joyous bundle of unlimited potential ready to be molded into the consummate man or woman. But when the woman you’re hearing the above statement from is NOT your wife and just a stripper with whom you shared a bacchanalian lecherous evening with, fear consumes your being. Not only did you stupidly get some random woman pregnant, but this is not someone who you would want to be associated with if you were sober, let alone for the next 18 years. Case in point, see damn near any professional athlete paying a ridiculous amount of money in child support on their numerous illegitimate children. The women they seeded may have been physically perfect, but as far as personality (and everything else) they are seriously flawed…and now you have to pay her half of your check for the next 18 years, while the IRS still takes their 40% for taxes, that leaves you with 10%, which should go to God, because you would definitely need His help to get out of the sh*thole you dug for yourself….dumb@ss.
3. Realizing that you’re out of toilet paper…after you just took a sh*t.
One of the few places where a man can enjoy some peace and quiet is his bathroom. We are truly the masters of our domain while sitting on the toilet. Why else do you think they call it the “Porcelain Throne?” Give us a good article found on the internet or a rousing game of Angry Birds and we can be there for a good minute. Now after you’ve done your deed, the last thing you want to see is this:
Commence a random unintelligible string of curse words. What the hell do you do now? How could you forget to buy toilet paper? Sh*t! OK, calm down, calm down. What are your options? A. The towels are pretty soft. I mean, yeah they’ll probably be ruined, but you have way too many towels anyways. Who will miss one sh*tty towel… oh that’s right, your wife. B. Sit on the toilet until the sh*t crusts over then hop in the shower and bathe the filth off. C. Man up and call your wife to run to the store to pick up some toilet paper so you can sh*t-waddle to the door of the bathroom to pick up your “precious.” The thought is so terrifying that I stock up on toilet paper like a frikkin Charmin Bear.
This is in reference to one’s sexual performance. No man wants to hear a woman say this, or have her reading a book, texting, talking on the phone, knitting, drinking coffee, etc. while you are pumping your little heart out. One of the biggest ego boosters for men are compliments on our sexual prowess and if you can’t please your woman, then what good are you? I’ll tell you what you’re good for: listening, making her laugh, painting her nails, and being a good “friend.”
That’s right, friend zoned all because your inadequate skills have left her unimpressed and frankly amused like a lil’ horny puppy trying to hump her leg. In order to avoid this, and it’s easy, your aim should be to please her, not yourself. Meaning that you’re going to have to put in work and stop being so damn selfish….unless you don’t care, then by all means hit her with that “two pumps and a swirl,” roll over and go to sleep.
5. Incarcerated on false charges
Going to prison is bad in and of itself, but it’s even worse if you honestly didn’t do the crime for which you were charged. Especially as a Black Man, once we’re in the system, we are royally screwed. I honestly rather die than become subjected to these New Jim Crow Laws promoted by the Prison Industrial Complex to keep you trapped in the system for the rest of your life. Eff that, you’re going to have to kill me, I’m not going to go quietly. Do you know what they do to men in prison?!?
Hell naw! Nope! Cannot and will not go to jail. Send me to the executioner, throw me in a pit of lions, drop me off in the middle of the desert with nothing but floss, lint, and a toothpick, I’ve seen enough Man vs Wild episodes to at least drink my own piss before I die.
So there you have it, five fears of a grown man. What are some other fears? Please share below.